


I Can't Think Straight

by athenaeums



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Compliant, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 16:38:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12039930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/athenaeums/pseuds/athenaeums
Summary: A life spent in training for the Clave, endless missions on Clave orders, blindly doing as he is told… but as Alec Lightwood stares down at the GPS trackers in Imogen Herondale’s vice-like grip, he wonders for just a moment what he’s really been doing. The ice that had been gathering in his stomach at the first sight of them, the first mention of “tracking downworlders”, moves through his body and settles somewhere in his gut. It’s wrong and he can feel it in every cell in his body. In a flash of a moment, he sees Magnus. He sees his body shake as he demands that Alec leave and barely resists magicking him out of the door himself. [[canon-compliant with s2b]]





	I Can't Think Straight

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing this on/off throughout 2b and this is what happened when I finally tried to finish it. It was only supposed to be 1k...

A life spent in training for the Clave, endless missions on Clave orders, blindly doing as he is told… but as Alec Lightwood stares down at the GPS trackers in Imogen Herondale’s vice-like grip, he wonders for just a moment what he’s really been doing. The ice that had been gathering in his stomach at the first sight of them, the first mention of “ _tracking downworlders_ ”, moves through his body and settles somewhere in his gut. It’s wrong and he can feel it in every cell in his body. In a flash of a moment, he sees Magnus. He sees his body shake as he demands that Alec leave and barely resists magicking him out of the door himself. He remembers the long and breathy “ _fuck_ ” that had escaped him as he stood in the corridor. He remembers how his face felt warmer as he realised that he couldn’t go back. “ _What happened to following your gut?_ ” plays like a nightmare in his brain and before he knows it:

“That is plain wrong!” erupts from Alec’s mouth. The ice melts when Jace doesn’t back him and a fire sparks in its place.

When Jace names him Head of the Institute, he’s happy. He’s thrilled, even. With his brother and sister sharing the moment with him, Alec almost becomes lost in it. He quickly thinks of telling Magnus but remembers their earlier exchange with some trepidation. “I have your first assignment” he tells Jace instead and feels the shame of even just one tracker being administered. 

“What am I going to do about Magnus?” he asks Isabelle, letting reality wash back in after his momentary high. “Do you think he’ll forgive me?”

“Alec, he loves you,” Isabelle says with a reassuring smile.

“That’s not the same as forgiveness. He’s been through so much lately,” Alec sighs. “I helped drag him into this mess with Azazel and then…”

“Just talk to him,” is all she says.

Alec passes through Magnus’ front door with very little fanfare which he takes as a good sign but the sight of his boyfriend leaning on his balcony, lost in thought, settles in Alec’s stomach like lead.

“Magnus, you were right,” he announces his entrance, forgoing the usual small talk or hello. It’s too important. The sensation weighing him down eases a little when sees Magnus turn towards him. “You never have to prove yourself to me,” he declares but it doesn’t feel like enough. After everything - he’s not sure anything he says will ever be enough again. “I love you.”

The “ _I love you too_ ” arrives a moment too late, a moment after Alec has already started tearing shreds from himself for everything he’s said and done in the last twenty-four hours. For everything he didn’t say or do when his boyfriend was stuck inside the body of a madman. But the urge to continue, to shoot arrows ‘til the skin is torn and bleeding on his hands, to train until his muscles are screaming in agony and then beat through it, dissipates when Magnus presses his mouth to Alec’s carefully and purposefully.

Magnus hands him a drink from thin air - a cocktail and not his favourite. He takes it without complaint and sips it, even trying to hide the grimace but it makes Magnus smile to himself and Alec thinks that might make it worth it. “I understand your duty to the clave,” Magnus starts. “Believe me, I do.”

“I know,” Alec murmurs gently, reaching to take Magnus’ hand. 

“And I understand what they felt needed to be done,” he continued. “I just didn’t expect your duty to show up at my door and inadvertently put me on the suspect list.”

“Magnus -” Alec tries. he feels like he’s being stabbed a thousand times over and the drink is starting to send fire through his core.

“Did you catch whoever it was?” Magnus turns back to the city and swipes his hand back in the process.

“Izzy did,” Alec explains. “It was the Seelie that Jace had here that time, when we got back from Tokyo?”

He instantly winces when he sees Magnus hold himself a little tighter at the mention of that wonderful night. The night Alec refused to believe him about. The night Alec ignored when he threw Magnus into the execution chair. 

“Magnus,” Alec continues. “I want you to know that this won’t ever happen again.”

“Alexander,” Magnus smiles. “That’s an impossible promise.”

“No, it’s not,” Alec returns his smile now. “Jace made me Head of the Institute.”

Alec delights in the way Magnus’ eyes widen slightly, the way his smile grows a tiny bit and he relaxes where he is leaning - barely visible to anyone that isn’t watching carefully. But Alec is. He’s watching every single moment.

“Well that certainly is some news,” Magnus clicks his fingers and the drink in Alec’s hand turns to champagne. Magnus raises his own glass to Alec’s. “Congratulations, Alexander.”

He clinks his glass to Magnus’ and again, tries to hide his grimace as the dry, sparkling flavour slides around his mouth. It’s horrible, not nearly sweet enough, but the small chuckle it earns from Magnus as he smiles into his glass makes Alec forget all about it. He takes a mouthful next and almost convinces himself he’s enjoying it.

“Everything I’ve seen recently, everything I’ve always known,” Alec sighs, moving to gaze over the Manhattan skyline. “Change has to start somewhere and it’s going to start with me, with the New York Institute, from now on.”

“What do you propose?” Magnus asks quietly, mulling over Alec’s words as he moves to stand next to him. Alec counts it as a small victory when magnus places his hand gently over the one restlessly tapping on the balcony wall, endless fidgeting with all the ideas flooding his brain.

“I’m not entirely sure, to be honest,” Alec starts slowly. “But it’s got to involve everyone. I’m going to need Luke and Raphael.”

Magnus nods. “Do you think the Seelie Queen would be agreeable?”

“I’m not sure,” Alec answers honestly. “I’ve not had many dealings with her but I expect Izzy might be able to get Meliorn on board.”

“That seems probable,” Magnus says. “What about a representative of warlocks?”

Alec doesn’t miss the hesitation, the way Magnus’ hand grips his just a little tighter. When he first met Magnus he never dreamed that the man with confidence bursting from his core, flirting his way to making Alec smile and convincing him to spend the night drinking cocktails, would have insecurities. But falling in love wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows and a constant warm glow wrapping itself around Alec like a comfort blanket. It was also learning every facet of Magnus’ being and knowing every expression, every mood swing, every spark of magic. Alec knows he stumbled through learning with as much grace as a charging bull but he’s here now. He knows Magnus now. He knows when his boyfriend is genuinely suggesting that Alec doesn’t want him involved.

Alec snatches his hand back but brings it to Magnus’ face instead, gently cradling the side of his face to force Magnus to look at him. “Hey,” he says softly. “I need  _you_  there, ok? Whatever this becomes or turns out to be, I want you there with me and I want you there to represent the people you love and look after.”

Magnus looks up at him and smiles gently, reaches up to hold Alec’s hand in its place before drawing him closer. “Then whatever you decide to do, I will be there.”

“The most important thing for the Institute and the Clave is repairing the Downworlder-Shadowhunter relations,” Alec starts. “But the most important thing to me? As Alec Lightwood? Is making sure you are ok. I told you before that you’re my responsibility and I meant it.”

“And I told you -” Magnus interrupted.

“That you can take care of yourself,” Alec finishes, rolling his eyes a little. “I heard you then and I hear you now but I love you and I’m always going to look out for you, Magnus.”

* * *

Days later, after Mr Bane’s and Mr Lightwood’s have been exchanged and Luke goes rogue in the middle of the first cabinet meeting, Alec realises that the extent to which he can look out for Magnus is sometimes out of his control.

“If he killed valentine, if he literally ended his life and started a war with the Clave,” Alec mused shortly after. “How do I protect you from that?”

“Alexander-” Magnus tries as they lay in his bed, Alec’s arm thrown lazily across his middle as he uses Magnus’ shoulder as a pillow. Alec squeezes him a little to make him stop talking.

“Whatever you’re going to say, it’s pointless,” Alec glances up at Magnus’ face. Magnus rolls his eyes. “After the soul sword-”

“Alexander, I understand,” Magnus smiles, gently rubbing his fingers through Alec’s hair, messing it more than it already had been. “I feel the same way about you.”

“I’ve been told in training my whole life that I can lose friends, family at any given time. That’s a Shadowhunter’s life,” Alec mumbled. “But this is so different and I don’t understand it but I don’t know how to stop the Clave, Shadowhunters, from hurting you if that’s what they end up intending.”

“And I’m telling you that I have also been in training my whole life, my very long life, and this isn’t my first time at the rodeo,” Magnus chuckles and presses a kiss to Alec’s forehead. “Shadowhunters have tried to kill me for centuries, but so has everyone else. I’ve not just been sat still letting it happen.”

Alec sits up suddenly and looks down at Magnus with horror in his eyes. “Fuck, Magnus,” he stutters. “I know this, I do, I’m sorry I didn’t mean it to sound like- like- like you’re a damsel in distress - I just don’t really know what I’m trying to-”

Magnus tugs him back down with a sharp pull to his arm and wraps himself around him in a tight hug. “Relax,” he whispers. “We will deal with whatever is thrown at us but please, _when_ it is thrown at us.”

Alec nods and buries his face into Magnus’ shoulder, holding him tight around his middle.

“I love you and that is all we need to know right at this moment,” Magnus says quietly. “This world is turning into a bizarre and scary place but I do love you, brilliant and beautiful Alexander Lightwood.”

 Alec laughs. “I love you too.”

“Now, can we stop talking shop? You’re an incredible improvement on the last god knows how many heads of the Institute, believe me, but I’d rather not be plagued by your work-related concerns when you’re in my bed.”

“Is that so?” Alec teases.

“Of course, it’s so incredibly dull when there are far more interesting things we could be talking about… or doing,” Magnus smiles before kissing Alec square on the mouth, no confusion in his intent. Alec gives in willingly.

* * *

Alec feels the sting of dealing with whatever is thrown at them when Magnus walks away from him and disappears into the elevator without so much as a second glance in his direction. He feels the tug in his stomach, the sickness that is threatening to overwhelm him as he wonders: have I just thrown the best thing in my life away?

Isabelle emerges from Max’s room and sees Alec suspended, arms left hanging where Magnus left them. Her arrival wakes him up momentarily as he angrily wipes at his eyes, a futile attempt at hiding his current state. “Is max ok?” he asks, clearing his throat and reasserting his authority. He’s the Head of the Institute – what is he doing crying in the corridor?

“Alec-” Isabelle says mournfully, rubbing her hands down the sides of his arms in what he supposes she thinks is comforting. But he just feels nothing. “Where’s Magnus?” she asks warily.

“He’s gone and I don’t think he’ll be coming back,” he’s proud of how his voice doesn’t shake when only moments before he was _begging_ Magnus to reconsider, to have enough faith in him to try. “So, is Max ok? I need to write up the incident report.”

“I can do it,” Isabelle offers, trying to grip his hand. She’s pulling out all the stops, he thinks, every trick in the book.

“No, Isabelle!” he snatches his hand back and storms to his office not stopping for anyone, anything, condolences or well-wishes for Max. He’s sat at his desk and halfway through writing everything up when his failures began playing on a loop through his head. _You made him Head of Security, you let him take Valentine, you let him try to kill your brother, you’ve lost Magnus_. Over and over until he can’t concentrate.

He tries to sleep later that night in his hard and miserable bed at the Institute but he’s plagued by images of a fallen Max, of Magnus dying in his arms, of Valentine ending the lives of so many of his friends, people he’s lived his life to protect without so much as a click of the fingers. He sees Magnus dying, he sees Magnus never coming back.

For that night and all other nights, Alec finds himself in the training room with the punching bag and he doesn’t relent until sunrise.

* * *

For the second time, Alec watches Magnus walk away from him without so much as a falter in his step and Alec knows this time that it’s over. As Magnus blindly follows the Seelie Queen, Alec sees their relationship collapsing into nothing. He can’t bring Magnus back from this but he feels sick at the quiet relief nagging at him when he realises that this means Magnus will be safe. They need the Seelie Queen’s help but Alec thinks for a moment that he would gladly fuck the greater good off if Magnus is tucked up safe in that realm away from living demons like Valentine and evil creatures like Azazel.

“Alec?” Isabelle asks gently, and she tugs at his sleeve. He wakes up from his reprehensible thoughts and looks around. Everyone has already gone. He tries to cleanse his mind by talking to Luke but as soon as he turns away his mind his back on Magnus. He feels the temptation of taking his bow to the roof so he can get himself back on track but he’s so, so scared. He knows no matter how much he scrapes his knuckles or pulls arrows ‘til he’s bloody, that fear won’t leave him.

He feels no comfort when Jace kicks Sebastian into rocks and a rapidly flowing river. Not for the first time, he has no idea where Clary is coming from when she tells them time and time again that love makes you stronger. He knows love, he feels it in every fibre of his being but this love? The constant thoughts of Magnus, the need to make decisions that ensure his safety as paramount to all others? It’s making him weak. It’s making him a terrible leader. Shadowhunters are trained to not feel fear but right now he’s terrified of making the call that turns his dreams prophetic where he’ll be left standing in the dust all alone.

* * *

It’s a close call when Magnus falls by the closed rift and Alec wonders if this is where it starts, if this is where everything becomes a reality and he loses Magnus from every aspect of his life. His sense should tell him that Magnus just needs to rest but his heart only stops panicking when he hears “ _You can’t get rid of me that easily_ ,” in the voice he’s truly missed more than he even knew possible.

He’s grateful that Isabelle and Magnus are there when he feels the loss of his parabatai, when he falls down to the ground in the middle of the Institute. The pain is searing and he feels a part of his soul ripping from him – it’s a feeling he’s heard about but couldn’t dare to imagine. Magnus’ hands are warm on his shoulders but it gives him no relief. He leans back into magnus, craving the stability that whatever is left of his soul needs. Alec can barely process how grateful he is for Magnus, how much he loves him, when he opens a portal to Idris. He can only think that he needs to see Jace for himself but he does briefly grab Magnus’ hand before they walk through and he wonders if that’s given him the energy he needs to take the next step forward, to see what his nightmares are truly made of.

When they arrive and see the Angel, Alec feels that energy leave him as he realises that this is what helplessness truly is. “Magnus, you need to get to safety,” he says but Magnus refuses. Alec feels every muscle in his body aching, his hands pounding with phantom pains from his time with the bow and the punching bag. He itches to get back to them. _Leave, Magnus. Go to the Seelie Queen. Run, Magnus! Please still be here when this is over._ But Magnus charges forward, for Clary, and Alec feels the irrational anger he felt when he first met the girl. She was always going to be the end of them.

When they arrive at the lake to find Valentine dead and Jace breathing, Clary exhausted on the ground, Alec instead has an urge to go to her and hug her, thank her. He doesn’t know how she did it but he doesn’t care. His dreams taunted him and blamed him, but they weren’t coming true and despite everything else that needed to be done, despite what Valentine’s death means, all Alec can see is his parabatai and Magnus – safe, alive, perfect. Isabelle draws him into a hug and he squeezes her harder than he has before. He presses a kiss to the top of her head and she returns it with a knowing, warming smile.

* * *

“…I can’t think straight,” Alec stumbles over his words but he gets them out. His heart is stitching itself back together when Magnus tell him he can’t stop thinking about him too.

He surprises himself when “ _I don’t think I can live without you_ ,” escapes him but the minute it does he realises how true it is. He feels the reconciliation sew up the holes that formed when they separated, it’s bandaging the scrapes and it’s soothing the phantom aches. Alec is terrified, but for once it’s because of how much the man in front of him means to him. When Magnus presses his lips to his, he could sing with how soothing, how healing it is.

Alec’s thoughts begin arranging themselves into order on the walk back to Magnus’ loft and as they tumble into each other, falling onto his bed after sharing cocktails on the balcony, Alec is sure his mind has never seen such clarity.

* * *

“I’m sorry,” Magnus whispers when they wake in the morning.

“What for?” Alec asks groggily, wiping sleep from his eyes so that he can see Magnus clearly.

“All you wanted was to protect me and several times I walked straight into the lion’s den,” Magnus laughs quietly. “and I would do it again in an instant if it meant saving my people and those I love, don’t get me wrong, but I hate knowing how worried you’ve probably been.”

Alec snuggles where Magnus’ neck meets his shoulder and inhales gently. “You’re here now,” he murmurs sleepily. “I don’t care how we got here I’m just glad we’re here now.”

“I love you, Alexander,” Magnus holds Alec to him. “I knew I did before but now- I know how much.”

Alec looks up, surprised, and kisses Magnus softly but purposefully. “This whole ordeal was a revelation to me too,” he says when he pulls away. “I can’t make smart choices when I know you’re hurting.”

“Yes, you can,” Magnus retorts. “Look where we are now – in my bed, in love, well-rested, and all those that would try to kill us are gone. I’d say you made a lot of smart choices to get us here.”

“You’re being generous,” Alec laughs. “Hardly any of that was me.”

“Nonsense,” Magnus shuts him down. “When I recount stories of this moment in time I’ll be telling everyone that it was all you. Jace who? Clary who? No – everyone will know it was the love of my life that turned this world upside down and set it back on the right path.”

“But that would be a lie,” Alec plays along, burying his face back into Magnus’ neck to hide his smile.

“Most of history is a lie,” Magnus says. “We were all by that lake, we can say what we want.”

“Magnus?” Alec stops him.

“Yes?”

“I love you,” he says simply.

“You better had if I’m rewriting history for you,” Magnus teases.

“You’re the love of my life too, you know,” Alec looks up at him. “I meant what I said yesterday.”

He’s sobered the mood but he doesn’t care. He wasted so much of his life not saying things because of what others would think. He can’t afford to hold back with Magnus now.

“I know,” Magnus says and runs his thumb across Alec’s lower lip, staring intently at his mouth. “I never have to worry about you saying pretty words just for the sake of it, Alexander.”

Alec smiles and presses a tiny kiss to Magnus’ thumb, still running along his lips.

“And as much as it terrifies me,” Magnus continues. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it and I don’t even want to try.”

“Well then,” Alec sighs. “We can just forget this crazy, ridiculous part of our lives where we thought we were better off apart then?”

Magnus laughs, loud and clear. “Whatever have we become, Alexander?”

“We’re in love!” Alec insists. “And while I felt it before, and I knew it, I didn’t really understand it. I do now and it means that we’re stronger together, we’re better off looking out for each other and we’re a team. I’m no good when you’re not around.”

Magnus inhales quickly and drops his hand from Alec’s face, shaking his head slightly. “You know sometimes I miss the stuttering mess that had to be forced to come and see me,” he smiles.

“He was an idiot,” Alec grins. “but he liked you a lot.”

“I think I prefer the version that is often in my bed telling me that he loves me.”

“What? There’s two of us?” Alec feigns shock before collapsing back onto Magnus with laughter.

He finally moves back onto his pillow and faces Magnus, inches away from his face. “I was always half of what I could have been before I met you and I know that this- us- being back together doesn’t change the awful things that have happened to you recently, but I’m going to spend forever making it up to you because I need to be my best self to keep you safe,” Alec continues. “And to stop Jace running headfirst into danger,” he laughs.

Magnus just stares back at him, thinking over what Alec just said, probably trying to find the best, most eloquent response, but again Alec beats him to it.

“You’ve told me time and time again that I don’t have to protect you but I need you to understand that _this_ means that I feel responsible for making sure you’re safe because I just can’t function when you’re not ok,” he finishes.

“I feel the same way about you,” Magnus finally offers. “When the Shadowhunter attacks were happening, my mind was one place but it always came back to worrying about you.”

“So, we’ll stop trying to do this on our own?” Alec settles, reaching across the small distance between them to clutch at Magnus’ hand. He brings their joined hands to rest against his chest. Magnus nods. “Good, this was a good talk.” He brings their hands to his mouth and kisses them gently, before smiling brilliantly at Magnus.

“Must we keep talking though?” Magnus smirks once he has recovered from the turn in the conversation, from the sincerity in Alec’s voice – the desperate need to be understood and for Magnus to understand that they’re no good to anyone when they’re alone. He needs Alec for himself for a moment, and he needs him now.

“I think I have to get back to the Institute-” Alec starts but the smile bursts from him before he finishes his sentence.

“Oh, shut up,” Magnus says, moving to pin Alec to the bed. “They can miss you for a few more hours.” He leans down to kiss him and Alec loses himself in wondering if they could miss him forever. Now that he is back, he never wants to leave Magnus’ side again.


End file.
